Are our only options fight or flight?
About the soothing system in difficult situations.
The current lifestyle together with strongly promoted consumerism intensifies and stimulates in us high reactivity manifesting itself mainly in the form of desire or aversion, and thus arouses two systems of emotional regulation - fight or flight. The longer we function based on lust and aversion, the harder it is to see that there is a third way - based on compassion. It is obvious in the face of the well-established functioning that the introduction to your repertoire of behavior, the Compassion-based System will not be the easiest task. But the more often we use this system for ourselves and others, the easier and more natural it will become for us. It's like training in the gym - the first days are the hardest - afterwards the muscles you train start to like this effort and become more efficient.
How did it happen that it is so difficult for us to support ourselves with a system that is healthy for us?
Without knowledge of the mechanisms of our functioning, it is difficult for us to observe and understand the process of aversion and desire, how they direct our life and how we strengthen each other. By educating ourselves in the sources of these drives, their functions and impact - we can learn to develop new methods of dealing with them. And it is the compassion soothing system present and developed in the third wave of psychotherapy in the Compassion Focused Psychotherapy (which drew its foundations from Buddhism) that gives us understanding and explains how to take care of yourself to regain internal and hormonal balance.
Let's do a small exercise then
Think of some difficulty you have recently experienced. It could be a quarrel with a colleague from work, or you failed to accomplish something important, or you felt alone. See yourself thoroughly with your eyes and think about how you would react in this difficult situation, what would you say to yourself, in what words, in what tone of voice, with what expression on your face. Give yourself a moment.
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Then imagine that instead of you in this difficult situation is a small child or a small animal full of suffering. Note what you would like to say, how to respond to it. Look at your facial expressions, tone of voice.
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What was the difference between these two experiences? Who do you think felt better - you from the first situation or a small child / pet in the second. In which situation did you show greater compassion and in which situation were you more evaluative?
And what result?
Research shows that we are more critical of ourselves than of a friend who needs help. Why do we make such a distinction and assume that a friend deserves understanding and we deserve criticism? It is often the case that there is an internal conviction in us that if we criticize ourselves and evaluate and embarrass ourselves, then we will force a positive change and simply improve ourselves. However, the emotions that we generate by introducing ourselves to such an experience (guilt, shame) do not help us. These emotions trigger cortisol, which literally extinguishes the areas of the brain responsible for learning and creativity, and in return raises the answer in the form of struggle or flight or freeze up.
Therefore, I invite you to look at myself and listen to my inner voice. Do you rather use a system of soothing yourself with compassion in difficult situations or do you fight with yourself or run away from yourself?
Next time, when you encounter a difficult situation, look at the tone of your voice and if a critical voice appears, then experiment. Ask yourself: What would it be like to give yourself relief, understanding and compassion now? What would it be like to take care of myself like I would take care of a small animal experiencing suffering?
Good luck and see you on the soothing trail :)
Maitri
Do you already?
